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September 19, 2026

Illustration by Tomi Um

Does My Boyfriend’s Anonymous Sexting Count As Cheating?

My boyfriend and I are college juniors and we have been together for seven months. He told me recently that until a month ago, he had been sexting women on the social platform YikYak, which lets you message anonymously with other people at your college. He said that the chats all remained anonymous and no photos were involved.

I don’t know if I should break up with him. If he were cheating, I would do so instantly. If he had just been reading smut or watching porn, I wouldn’t care. This is a weird middle ground where he’s not really cheating, but he’s definitely crossing a line. He also told me that he first started sexting people (on other platforms) when he was in middle school. Because he has been doing this from a young age, I’m not sure if this is a conscious decision or some kind of addiction. I worry that it may be a mental-health issue.

I also don’t know what obligation I have to protect his reputation. We share a fair number of friends, and despite this major failing, I still think that my boyfriend is an upstanding guy. I don’t want to cause him harm by telling people why we broke up. (I think sexting people on YikYak is really embarrassing and gross.) But I also don’t want to harm my reputation — I can’t afford to lose friends because they think I’m in the wrong for breaking up with him.

Is sexting anonymously cheating? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

Whether it’s cheating depends on a relationship’s ground rules or, anyway, on the basic understanding the partners share. Plenty of people would find his activities — para-sexual interactions with para-amours — cheating adjacent. And obviously, there can be reason to worry when your boyfriend has erotic interactions with people outside your relationship. But what makes something cheating is that it breaks the rules, even if they’re implicit. Maybe the term “cheating” needn’t bear all the weight, though. You could ask your boyfriend to stop sexting and explain you consider it a breach of trust, as well as “embarrassing and gross.” But it may be more useful to establish expectations for the future than to relitigate the past.

You might also ask him why he feels the need to continue the practice more than half a year into an exclusive relationship. An addiction? You don’t say that he has tried to give it up and failed, so you can’t draw that conclusion. But you should be clear, with him and with yourself, about what troubles you. Pornography wouldn’t bother you, you say, so the objection isn’t that he seeks sexual stimulation outside of your relationship. The important difference, surely, is the interpersonal nature of these encounters: Consuming sexual material isn’t the same thing as engaging sexually with another person.

As to what to tell other people if these conversations result in a breakup? It would be truthful to say that you split because you realized the relationship was not working. You could stop there; you don’t want to broadcast intimate details gratuitously. But you’re not obliged to conceal the reason if you need to explain yourself to close friends or seek their support, though you could let them know that the information is not for sharing further.

Thoughts? If you would like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other readers in the next newsletter, fill out this form.

FROM THE ARCHIVES Back in 2025, the Ethicist answered a question from a reader who wondered whether his secret viewing habits were crossing a relationship boundary.

Illustration by Tomi Um The Ethicist Does My Wife Need to Know About My Porn Habit? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on self-pleasuring secrets and the pressures of living up to one’s sexual orientation. By Kwame Anthony Appiah

Readers Respond

The previous question was from a reader who questioned her mother’s plans to assist her sister. She wrote:

My parents recently obtained guardianship over my 18-year-old sister who has severe developmental disabilities. She is nonverbal and cannot read or write. We went to the department of motor vehicles to obtain an identification card for her, and the staff asked if we would like to register her to vote. My mom said yes and intends to vote on my sister’s behalf in future elections. My mom believes that everyone’s voice should be represented and is planning on voting for the candidate who she thinks best represents my sister’s interests. … I believe that this is unethical, as my sister has no comprehension of the election process and my mom cannot definitively know who her preferred candidate would be. … Is it ethical to allow this practice to occur? — Name Withheld

In his response, the Ethicist wrote:

It is not. Providing assistance so that potential voters can have their say is one thing. Substituting one’s own choices for theirs is a very different thing. A vote is an expression of someone’s political judgment. If, as you report, your sister has no comprehension of the election and cannot form a political judgment, there is no political judgment of hers for the ballot to express. Nor do I accept your mother’s suggestion that she can assign this young woman a preference for candidates who best represent her interests. … Your mother’s political opinions may be thoughtful and benevolent, but that doesn’t entitle her to a second ballot with which to express them.

(Reread the full question and answer here.)

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When it was time to move my father into a memory-care facility because of his worsening Alzheimer’s, I knew that the right thing to do was to cancel his voter registration. It pained me, but he could no longer comprehend the issues. I didn’t want to add any validity to all the accusations of voter irregularities, should his condition come to light. — Mary

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Everyone, regardless of abilities, has the right to vote if they are a citizen and of age. It is a legal right. There are many people who may not have the mental capacity to research and vote for candidates or ballot initiatives, but they are legally allowed to vote. I was a township clerk and it was my duty and privilege to ensure that everyone who was a legal voter could vote. You may question the ethics of this but not the law. The people who are the least able are those who need the most protection. — Lisa

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Not only is it immoral for someone to complete another person’s ballot with their own preferences, it is also illegal, as the absentee ballot in our state says directly. Your mother is risking jail and fines for doing something that is absolutely wrong. — Catherine

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Guardianship is a unique responsibility that assigns tremendous rights to the guardian to make all manner of life decisions, big and small. It is a blessing and a burden. If the guardian is legally and morally entrusted with that level of control over an individual’s life to make decisions on their behalf and for their benefit, it seems to me immoral to draw an arbitrary line at voting, given how much influence public policy has on the rights of the disabled. — Jud

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The letter writer’s mother should tread carefully and seek out competent legal advice. Some states explicitly disallow voting for people under guardianship, and others have more nuanced rules over the relationship between mental health and voter rights. The mother may risk prosecution if she follows through with her plan. — Rick

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